So, you think “happily ever after” isn’t for you?
Think again.
It took me 36 years to find the person that I am truly meant to be with. And honestly I can’t believe that it’s still getting better every single day that we’re together.
Consider this your light at the end of the tunnel, especially if you’re someone who feels kind of hopeless that the right person for you doesn’t exist.
I remember talking to my mom a couple months before I met Sam about about how I always envisioned myself as a husband and dad, and that I truly wanted to be all of those things… but that nobody ever came close to checking all the boxes of what I envisioned and hoped a partner would be.
I felt like, “damn, maybe that dream life wasn’t meant for me.” It made me really sad.
In dating, I knew that I had settled for less than what I deserved too many times. I knew that settling with someone who wasn’t up to par was also not an option for me either. “Maybe I was meant to just be by myself in the world,” I said. I didn’t want that, but thought “maybe that’s just how the cards are going to fall for me.”
So, how did it eventually all work out?
From early on - and I’m talking like my pre-teen years - I envisioned who I wanted to be in detail. I envisioned my home, how I communicated with people, what my day to day looked like, how I wanted to feel, and how I wanted to make other feel. I envisioned having a family, how I would provide for them, treat them, and build something incredible with my wife.
With continued work and attention over decades, I tweak, re-defined, and lived the things that made me happy every day. I knew what I wanted my life to look like, and I knew how I hoped someone would fit into that picture with me, so I made it my goal to live that way. I visualized what it would feel like to have a perfect partnership for me. I focused and tried to feel how she would treat me and I would treat her. I visualized how she would raise, teach, and interact with our future children with me. Without knowing Sam directly, she was exactly what I had envisioned since I was young.
I knew from the first date with her that she was ‘the one.’ Our first date was the first time we physically met in person, but I had already known her for years. She was the person I had visualized my dream life with, for years. Our first date for me was just filled with pure excitement to catch up with the love of my life. We talked for over 8 hours on that first date. We had a lot to catch up on!
A few months into dating, Sam and I were talking about the power of visualizing your life, your love life, and the power (and loneliness) of waiting for your person. We realized that we had both done pretty much the same work. Sam had also been through the relationship-ringer, and shared the exact same sentiment with her brother, “Maybe I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life.” She calls it the “love-life rock bottom.” My approach to finding her was different than hers — she actually implemented tools like meditation, and listened to different podcasts, read books + blogs, and journaled through her process. She says:
“I knew that I was a mirror for what and who I was attracting, so I focused on doing the work on myself to be the person that I wanted to attract. I had to change. I had to shift my victim-mindset from “Ugh, why do I keep ending up with losers” to actually BEING the person that I wanted to end up with. Through that process, I was in a place where I could attract you.”
Sam’s Tools
Joe Dispenza Becoming Supernatural + actually doing the 45min guided meditations and journaling that come with the book somewhere around Chapter 6.
Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins. Everyone suffers. Do the work, and do it until you’re finished.
Stephan LaBossiere a.k.a. Stephan Speaks. His interview with Lewis Howes is a fantastic intro to his work.
Grow A New Body by Alberto Villoldo. This is an intense, grueling, 12 week brain, gut, and spirit cleanse. People are afraid of the unknown, which is why they choose to stay stuck in the same pattern. Until you face your fears and decide to try new things, you’ll stay in the same place. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different outcomes is pure insanity.
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron: 12 weeks of work to find your voice; Morning Pages were a key takeaway from this. 15min every morning of emptying your brain of chatter. It could be writing down your To-Do list. Complaining about the weather. Recognizing how great you feel and how much energy you have. Just get it on paper. She would also burn her entries at the end of every month as a clearing ritual for growth.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: dated, I know. But this books gives great insight into generalities of men + women, how they communicate, what they need from the other person
Money, A Love Story by Kate Northrup: If your finances aren’t in order, how can your self confidence flourish enough to be in a place to be completely open to love? Pay those CCs off and get yourself out of debt
Money Master The Game by Tony Robbins. He interviewed 50 of the top money-people in the world and asked them all the same question about money. He also breaks down the financial vocabulary in a way that non-finance-people can understand/ simplifies it. The action items that come out of every chapter are crucial for creating your financial life-plan. If you don’t have an end-goal, how do you know where you’re going?
Attached by Amir Levine. Learn about Attachment styles, figure out which one you are + become aware of it, and find a person that matches your attachment style. Run from the red flags.
Anyway, it really is a happily ever after situation for me. I hope that if you’re struggling with dating, or feel like you keep striking out, that you put in the work to visualize and define what you truly want for your life and what really makes you happy.
How can you win a race if you don’t know what the finish line looks like?? I believe in you❤️-C